Impressive Blog Entry: "Less is More"

Angela over at Lux Et Veritas blog has an excellent entry regarding how much we push our kids in terms of academics and activities. Her words are wise, and I find her balance to be inspirational.

Here's some of what she wrote:

One of the trends that I most enjoy studying is the educational changes that people make. I watch the trends of public schools, national education, homeschooling methods and general parenting trends. One thing that has really picked up speed in the last 5-10 years, is the pace at which people are trying to educate their children. We are no longer spoon feeding information, it is like a full feast, being shoved down a throat at the earliest possible movement of the child. (Sorry a little harsh) I am a huge believer in helping children find JOY!


Brian (Tokyo) and I (Osaka) , both spent a couple of years living in Japan, (We didn’t know each other at the time) on service missions, I watched some very disturbing trends that followed a very strict regimented lifestyle. Children as young as 2, were being pre-qualified to attend elite preschools to help facilitate their educational status. Many children attended after-school tutors late into the evening, attending high school and an elite one at that, was the most important decision that they would make. High school classes and curriculum, required more study than college. Many students studied 7 days a week. College was considered a vacation or a break for the student.


Sadly, suicide rates were high for children in this country. The loss of childhood was replaced with books and schedules. As a young adult, I vowed never to enter into that arena with my future children. Now in America two decades later, I see many of these trends. Parent pushing aggressive preschool curriculums, baby Einstein dvd’s being shown right out of the womb (which have never produced any positive tests for increased intelligence), parents scrambling to find the best method to educate their children. (Always a consideration in the homeschool arena). Public school parents fighting for new facilities programs (although I believe kids learn better in a great environment) and dozens of enrichment activities filling free-time (what's left of it). Homeschooling doesn’t even guarantee that you avoid this.


The homeschooling community is equally, if not more passionate about what their children study. Trends in methods monopolize community discussion. In either forum-public or private, searching for the best curriculum, program or ideal plagues parents. I too, have joined in the discussion. (On the flip side, I agree one hundred percent that you have to be informed and up to date on how and what curriculum you choose and the methods you elect to teach.)

What I find very interesting is that one of the ways in which Angela recommends we start being a "less is more" family is to not get the kids involved in travel sports (and her husband played NCAA football on a full scholarship, and coached high school sports for years!)

She has some great ideas, and a wonderful way of putting them into print. Check out the entire blog entry here.

Over the years my husband and I have seen many families following the burn-out route in the hopes that their kids would gain an educational edge. Many times the families were hoping, too, that the busyness would keep the kids out of trouble. Overall, we've not seen this to be the case, neither with friends nor when my husband was a youth pastor.

We humans are interesting beings, aren't we? We have our to-do lists, our life maps, our day timers, goals, expectations, but life is rarely how we planned it out to be.

No wise answers or witty sayings from me. I'm learning as I wander along life's paths, too. There are so many variables in each family, marriage, situation that I think Angela really is onto something when she talks about general values of time and joy. It seems to me that peer pressure extends late into our adult years. Was it Mrs. Reagan who quipped "Just say no."? Amazing wisdom there!

Parenting's a Marathon, Not a Sprint

Those of you who know me in real life, or in the oft-times surreal life of online forums, know that my oldest child is seventeen years old. He will be eighteen in the spring. When kids reach certain milestones, moms and dads tend to reflect back on many things. Lately I've been thinking a lot about all the fear and trepidation I've had over the years as my oldest son has trudged through unknown territory for me, as a parent. He refers to himself as either "The Experiment Child" or "Alpha Child", as he's the oldest of five siblings.

I remember when I was pregnant with my son. I faithfully purchased "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and poured over every single page. Then, as I began to look pregnant, the unsolicited advice came flooding in:
- "Don't hold your baby too much or you'll spoil him."
- "Don't rock your baby to sleep or you'll spoil him."
- "Don't pick him up when he cries or you'll spoil him."
It seemed like everyone was very concerned that my baby would be spoiled.

As my due time got closer, then the horrible "My labor was like THIS..." stories started to crop up. Honestly, what are women thinking when they share the nitty-gritty details of the births of their children? How does this help any pregnant mom feel better about what is ahead for her? Does anyone have discretion anymore? Maybe it's just that our favorite subject to talk about is ourselves. But I digress.

With each subsequent child that I had, I cared less about what others thought. There was something so freeing about listening to someone attempt to teach me or scare me, then being able to smile, nod, and walk away. That being said, I'm not sure if everyone is like this, but there was still an underlying fear that I was somehow going to damage my firstborn in any given stage of his life, because he was The Experiment Child.

I remember calling up my dear friend Lee Ann when my son was around five years old, lamenting at the fact that I was still having to remind him to pick up his dirty socks (or some mundane thing like that) and saying, "I've been telling him this since he was two years old. Shouldn't he KNOW this by now???" My friend laughed and laughed, and replied, "Honey, I'm still telling my teenagers those same things." Sometimes the best thing a mom can do is talk to a mom who has walked ahead of her a few years, who loves her and who can help calm her down without the fear-mongering statements, like, "Just WAIT until he's a TEENAGER. Then you'll be in trouble!"

Now my son is almost eighteen. Time flies, whether you're having fun or not, right? But I will say that having children has been, and is, a lot more fun than I thought it would be. I do have reservations and regrets. I have sat down with my son and apologized for many things, most of them relating to my unrealistic expectations of him in his formative years. Example: I handed him Wayne Grudem's Systematic Theology in 8th grade with the idea that he could get some theology in. My son, being the great kid he is, dutifully tried to wrap his brain around the book, but to no avail. He came to me and said, "Mom, this is just too hard for me. Can I try something else?" We switched him over to something else when I realized this was a more college level book. Oops.

I am in an interesting season of life. My first little fledglings are preparing to leave the nest in the next few years, but I still have all the fun of having elementary aged kids in the home. This really helps me to savor things like plastic sword fights and dance classes and blanket tents and such. I have the wonderful opportunity to be the mentor mom in a MOPS group, so I get to hang around a bunch of young moms, to whom I get to say, "Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. Hold your babies tight because they will soon be grown and gone!" Best of all, I get to hold their babies, smooch those sweet little faces, and drink in that amazing baby smell. Ahhhhhhhhhhh. God is so good to me!

I feel like one of my life's purposes is to help young moms be more realistic in their expectations than I was. With the never ending plethora of parenting expert books on the market, what I see a need for is for seasoned moms to come along side the young moms and help them remain calm, encouraged, and reasonable in their expectations. Why? Because parenting truly is a marathon, not a sprint. We can do everything by-the-book, yet our kids will grow up to be who they are. I don't believe in determinism or the blank-slate tabula rasa theory of child rearing, but I do believe that one of the best things for a child is to have parents who are in control of their own tempers and tongues, and who walk in gentle strength in their homes.

More about this in upcoming posts. Time to get the Alpha Child up (who is Omega Child with rising in the morning).

Stress Reduction Committee?

The New York Times featured an article today entitled, "A Principal Who Cracks Down on Stress".

From the article:

NEEDHAM, Mass. — It was 6:30 p.m. The lights were still on at Needham High School, here in the affluent Boston suburbs. Paul Richards, the principal, was meeting with the Stress Reduction Committee.
On the agenda: finding the right time to bring in experts to train students in relaxation techniques.

Don’t try to have them teach relaxation in study hall, said Olivia Boyd, a senior. Students, she explained, won’t want to interrupt their work. They were already too busy before or after school for the training.

Apparently, the school wants to incorporate yoga, relaxation consultants, and student surveys to see how they can help the kids learn how to handle stress.

Hmmm.

A little deeper look, and you'll find that four of Needham's young people — one in college, two in high school and one in middle school — committed suicide. School officials emphasized that the suicides were not related to stress, but the deaths heightened concerns about how Needham’s students were responding to school pressure.

We've heard for years that we're pushing our kids too hard. We talk to each other and ask, "What ever happened to childhood?" as we drive our kids to their many lessons, sports, and other activities we think will give them an edge in life. After all, we want them to do better than we have done in life, don't we? The problem is that our kids are stressing out, understandably.

Universal preschool, all day kindergarten, Head Start are just some ways in which we feel we can help our kids "get ahead" in life. In homeschooling circles the parent peer pressure is just as vicious. Latin roots at age three. Parsing verbs no later than 2nd grade. "Use this curriculum for critical thinking skills or your child will be a failure!"

I blogged a little bit about this a while back, for what it's worth. Parenting With The Education Fear Factor

Honestly, I don't see a solution to this problem that we've put upon our own children. It takes a LOT of self control to relax and realize we cannot control what will happen to our children with regard to how their lives will go. Sure, we can send them to the best schools, have them learn all they need to learn to succeed in business, but ultimately what we seem to end up doing is pushing our kids too hard and too soon to pursue OUR dreams for them. No wonder they're stressed.

Why are your kids doing what they're doing, and what can you do to help them gain proper perspective?

Catch 'Em Doing What's Right

I just have to go ahead and say this...er, type this, out loud. Being a mom is really hard work! Over the years the Lord has convicted me of many things which were brought to light simply by virtue of giving birth to someone.

One of my most shameful confessions is that occasionally I would fall into the habit of only talking to some of my kids was when I was correcting them. Perhaps it's easy to make the excuse of, "Well, I do have five kids, and they are always on the go!" but that wouldn't be honest. The simple fact of the matter was that this was a self control issue for ME. I thought about what it would be like for me to only be spoken to when being told what to do or when being corrected. What if that was how my dear husband spoke to me? Or my friends? Neighbors?

When I realized my mistake - or should I call it sin? - I asked the Lord to help me to speak words that would encourage the hearers (my kiddos). This is not a one-time deal. I have to pray this regularly. Sometimes it is a real chore for me to "be the grown up" and speak with gentleness and encouragement, and sometimes I have to really dig to find something positive I can say, especially in those pre-adolescent years. I figured if Christ instructed us to love and pray for and speak well of our enemies, how much more-so our own children, whom we most likely prayed and asked God for in the first place? But this can be a very difficult area of self control for most parents, especially moms who are home with the kids all day. It can be done - God gives us the strength and patience to even do this child-raising season to His glory.

Check yourself today. Be mindful of what you say to your children. How's your tone of voice? How's your facial expression? Have you asked your children anything about how they are doing today, or have you mostly spoken to them only to remind them to do their chores or to quit bickering?

I truly believe that if we follow the Proverbs 31 model, and have on our tongues the law of kindness, we will set a pleasant tone for our home while at the same time greatly encouraging our children in heart and soul. Ladies, this is Holy Spirit enabled self control lived-out, in the flesh.

For what do you want your children to remember you? That you kept a tight schedule and a clean house? Or that you cared for their souls? Yes, remind them to do those chores. But also remind them of how happy you are to be their mom, or how proud you are of them for the kindness they show, or the way they behave. Let them know how much you prayed for them before they were even born. Smile at them (when's the last time you smiled at your child?) and see what happens. This is how we bless our children!

Ahhhh... Little Boys!

I love visiting Crystal's Biblical Womanhood blog. Crystal is a godly young wife and mother who is really leading an exemplary life. Today she posted in reference to questions she received from an anonymous mom of a 17 month old son who was, well, kinda going crazy chasing after the boy.

Since many of you out there in the blogosphere are in the same predicament as Anonymous, I'll let you in on a couple of my mothering secrets, for what they are worth.

Here's what I wrote in response to Crystal's request for comments from more experienced moms.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

As the mother of 3 boys and 2 girls, I can commiserate with Anonymous' post. Raising a boy is very different than raising a girl (wouldn't have believed it if I had not experienced both genders). Even among my 3 boys, 2 were relatively calm but 1 was not. Busy Curious George we used to call him!

Like many of the other moms here, I, too, recommend the use of a child gate to help the boy stay in his room when you need a little time to yourself. Make sure his room is safe for him - is he a drawer climber? Then remove the dresser until he is older. Make sure the window blind cord is beyond his reach. If need be, take everything out of his room except for his bed and some soft, safe toys, like books and stuffed animals. I know this sounds extreme, but he will in time learn more self control. Trust me.

Ultimately what you want to do is to help him learn self control - no small feat for a toddler son! When he indicates to you that he wants something, and his voice sounds impatient, use that as an opportunity to teach him how to speak to you. Example: If he shrieks at you to go outside, you say, "Would you like to go outside? Make your voice sound like this ______. Now you try it." Even if he is not good at speaking - most 17month olds are not - he can learn now how to use the proper tone when talking to you.

Say key phrases to him, for example:
"When you decide to talk to me nicely, I will listen to you."
"Use your feet and walk to your room now."
"When you are calm, you may join me."

There will be times when you will need to physically pick up your son and deposit him in his room. Sometimes we tell our children to go, but they don't respond quickly. In those cases, don't just stand there and yell commands to him to go, rather pick him up calmly and put him in his room. Secure the child gate. If this is for a daily quiet time, let him know that you have set the timer and it will ring in 1 hour. Get the timer at the Dollar Store. If he needs room time to calm down and not tantrum at you, let him know that when he is calm, he will be let out.

For the record, my now 17yr old son's first phrase was, "Done fussin', Mom!"

If you need a short time of the boy being occupied, utilize the high chair. Belt him in with fun things, like cheerios and yarn for necklace stringing, Duplos, a Magna Doodle, Play Doh or some other things that are reserved only for high chair time. Be certain you keep the chair sessions brief, and they will retain their allure. If possible keep high chair time things in a special box.

Do try to have fun times. Don't be rigid. Don't be quick to say no to reasonable requests. That being said, if he asks for instance to go outside, and it isn't a good time for you, tell him no. You are the grown up - be the grown up. If he has a melt down, tell him to go to his room until he is calm. You will need to do this many times but you will survive this stage of life, and so will he.

Whatever you do, don't compare your son to little girls. I did that - it wasn't good. My girlfriend had a little daughter who would sit for an hour and a half at church with nothing more than a little purse with a few trinkets in it. My son, same age, was having a hard time at that time sitting for more than 10 minutes without getting a serious case of the wiggles. I thought there was something wrong with my boy and my parenting. Not so. He was just different, and is now a happy, godly, delightful 17yr old.

Have reasonable expectations. God will use your son's active personality for His good will in due time.

A Noteworthy Day and a Noteworthy Ruling

Seventeen years ago today was the due date of my very first baby. As it is with me, all five of my children decided to come later than their respective due dates, not that I'm bitter.

Seventeen years ago today I was scared. What would my baby be like? Was the baby a boy or a girl? How would labor and delivery be for me? What kind of mother would I be? What if I messed him or her up?

Every year at this time I tease my son and tell him he could already be enjoying birthday cake, but NOOOOOOOO... he had to come a couple days late.

He was well worth every day of morning (all-day) sickness, every pound gained, every back ache, every horrible contraction. He was worth the twenty-nine hour labor, with five hours of pushing. When he was born, he was limp, blue, and in distress. As I watched the nurses and doctor trying to revive him, all I could think of was, "Oh no." The look in my husband's eyes was that of panic. I kept asking, "Is it a boy or a girl?" and my husband said, "I don't know..." Then he heard the doctor scold the nurse who was bagging my son with a tiny breathing bag, saying, "Not so hard! You'll break his jaw!"

Fast forward to 2007. As I write this post, I can hear my almost seventeen year old son playing worship songs on the piano. He is so creative. He reads chords, then improvises. He was laughing hysterically this morning with his ten year old sister and twelve year old brother. He is unique, he is funny, he is strong. I am so proud of him, and so thankful to the Lord that his life was spared on his birth day. I am truly thankful for every day I have had with him, and will have with him.

A child is truly a blessing of the Lord - a heritage from Him, His reward!

As I have been reflecting back on this due date, I was struck by today's Supreme Court ruling upholding the partial birth abortion ban. Justin Taylor over at Between Two Worlds has a brief but noteworthy post on this.

Make note of your favorite politician's stand on this issue. It will speak volumes regarding his/her views on life itself.

Are you a fun mom?

Wow - head on over to Life in a Shoe and scroll down to "Are you a fun mom?" Every now and then we need a little wakeup call from a sister in the Lord. This lady is a mom of 8 with a great attitude!

"I'm gonna POP???"

Words are powerful. If you've been following my holiday saga, you know that of my five children, one broke out with chicken pox 2 weeks ago (my 9 yr. old daughter). My older two children had already had the pox as infants, and three were my little holdouts. Now my youngest child, who is seven, is sprouting pox all over the place. They started out slowly... and I knew something was wrong with my boy. He just wasn't acting himself. Now he's in full poxy bloom, and amazingly not too itchy yet.

Last night, as I was tucking my poxy seven year old into bed, I said, "Well, tomorrow you'll really be popping with chicken pox."

His response: "I'm gonna POP????" I could hear the fear in his voice. Oh - man, do I ever make some stupid mom comments at times. I said, "No honey. What I meant to say was that you will be having more little poxies tomorrow. You are not going to pop."

Sheeeeeeeeesh. My poor boy probably had the most awful moment there, thinking he was going to explode. You'd think I'd know by now that little children think in concrete, literal terms.

I team-teach our five through seven year-olds at church, for Sunday School. We've been using this fabulous curriculum by Children Desiring God called the ABCs of God. Well, my letter for the day was T for Trinity. The lesson was great - the teaching solid theologically. I really thought the kids were "getting it", as much as anyone could understand the trinity. Right before the kids were dismissed, I asked them, "How many Gods are there?" and half the class shouted, "Three!". I shouted, "No! Remember there is only one God *big smile* " Ugh.

Concrete, literal thinking again. I just hope that the parents realize I'm not teaching a polytheistic Sunday School class. They might pop!

Oops... Did You Forget To Make Cut-Out Cookies?

My dear husband reminds me that I am the Grinch of the family. I don't mean to be the Grinch... I do like Christmas. I just don't like decorating my home in NOVEMBER and leaving it all up until the end of JANUARY as does my dear true love. I am far outnumbered here, as all five of my precious treasures from the Lord (the monkeys, as I have been known to occasionally call them... with great affection) so my, er.... "our" home is decorated for Christmas. And will be until the end of January. This is a matter of biblical submission for me - I am not kidding! Not worth the fight after 21 years of marriage.

All this to say, that if you're behind the proverbial 8-ball on your Christmas baking, have no fear. I found the best no-chill cut-out cookie dough ever. I like it 'cuz I don't need to think ahead about making the dough and chilling it for hours. If I find that our family will indeed be homebound (or should I say quarantined?) for Christmas, I thought it would be fun for the kids to make and bake cookies.

So here you have it... my favorite recipe for no-chill Christmas cookies. Enjoy.


No-chill Cutout Sugar Cookies

Makes about 24

1 cup butter, softened
1 cup granulated sugar
1 large egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 teaspoons baking powder
3 cups all-purpose flour

Preheat oven to 375°F. In a large bowl, cream butter and sugar with an electric mixer. Beat in eggs and vanilla. Add baking powder and flour one cup at a time, mixing after each addition. Dough will be stiff.

Do not chill dough. Divide dough in half. Roll each half about 1/8 inch thick. I recommend you roll it out between two sheets of waxed paper to prevent sticking. Dip cutters into flour before each use. Transfer the cookies to cookie sheet. If you aren't planning on icing the cookies, sprinkle them now (before baking) with colored sugars, etc.

Bake cookies on ungreased cookie sheet on middle rack of oven for 8-12 minutes, or until cookies are lightly browned. Cool completely before icing.

For icing, you can make your own with powdered sugar, vanilla, butter and milk, or take the quick way out and simply buy little containers of white frosting and add your own food coloring.

------

There, now my honey can't REALLY accuse me of being Grinchy, because I contributed to the wonderful Christmas Season by sharing a recipe.

The Love Chapter, Holiday Style

I spotted this on HomeschoolChristian.com. Excellent reminder!

1 Corinthians 13 - A Christmas Version

If I decorate my house perfectly with plaid bows, strands of twinkling lights and shiny balls, but do not show love to my family, I'm just another decorator.

If I slave away in the kitchen, baking dozens of Christmas cookies, preparing gourmet meals and arranging a beautifully adorned table at mealtime, but do not show love to my family, I'm just another cook.

If I work at the soup kitchen, carol in the nursing home, and give all that I have to charity, but do not show love to my family, it profits me nothing.

If I trim the spruce with shimmering angels and crocheted snowflakes, attend a myriad of holiday parties, and sing in the choir's cantata, but do not focus on Christ, I have missed the point.

Love stops the cooking to hug the child.

Love sets aside the decorating to kiss the husband.

Love is kind, though harried and tired.

Love doesn't envy another's home that has coordinated Christmas china and table linens.

Love doesn't yell at the kids to get out of the way, but is thankful they are there to be in the way.

Love doesn't give only to those who are able to give in return, but rejoices in giving to those who can't.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails. Video games will break; pearl necklaces will be lost; golf clubs will rust; but giving the gift of love will endure.

The Cinderella Syndrome

I recently read a post on a homeschooling mom's chat board where a lovely woman poured out her heart about the stresses of keeping a tidy home, teaching three young children, and running a home business. She feels as though those in her family, specifically her husband, doesn't realize all she does to keep things running smoothly. As you can imagine, her life is very busy. Her struggle is with how little, if any, appreciation her family gives her for her very hard work. As a vibrant Christian woman, she is having a difficult time between knowing she's to serve others versus their taking advantage of her. She really wants to have a servant's heart, not what she calls a "Cinderella Syndrome".

The crux of her post is copied here:

At times I have feelings like hubby doesn't "get" what I do every day. Like he doesn't get what sacrifices I make to keep an immaculate home, dinner on the table, the bills paid, the budget balanced, the kiddos schooled, and be his wife. Did I mention run the business too?

Here is my response to her.

You sound like a perfectionist (this is NOT a bad thing) who is tired. You used the term "immaculate" when referring to how your house is kept. That alone could run the average woman into a constant state of tension. When we homeschool and have our kids around all day, even if they are highly "trained" the home will still need a lot of attention... actually an overabundant amount of attention if our goal is for the home to be immaculate.

Toss in the kids' education, plus running the business, plus balancing the budget and paying the bills, and it's no wonder you feel the way you do.

You need to ask yourself what God would have you do. Is He driving your goals and pressures?

You might say, "Well of course God is driving what I do. He is a God of order!" True enough, but I remember with Mary and Martha, that Jesus seemed to have a little lower view of what "had" to be done than what Martha thought must be done. Mary chose the better thing. We need to do that, too, and it's no less an exercise in self control than anything else in life that exalts itself against walking in the Spirit, in His peace.

You also sound very tired. From a practical perspective, what adjustments can be made so you have regular times of refreshing? It will be very difficult for you to ignore what may need to be done in order to restore your soul. This can be as simple as having a cup of tea out in your backyard (even though in your head the laundry screams to be done, the countertops may need wiping down, and your dd may need to review her spelling words). You must have those times of quiet peaceful reflection. You can control what you think about, but again it takes a lot of self control.

Think on things that are what? Pure, lovely, of good report...

Jesus Himself said that today had enough worries of its own, and not to trouble ourselves about tomorrow. He holds tomorrow in His hands, right?

I personally feel that many women struggle in their thought lives. We may not have issues with immorality in our hearts, or even pride or envy, but many of us do have issues with comparing ourselves either to each other or to our own standards... standards never placed on us by the Father.

Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to you where you might make some changes that will help you to walk in more of a relaxed manner.

This may mean having dh do the bills. It may mean having your home be a little messier than you'd like for the sake of your own sanity. It might even mean moving again (this helped me tremendously!)

I know He will guide you, but He may tell you to let go of some of your high standards for a season of rest.
-------------------------------

After I posted this, I got a few comments from other moms about my advice. I wrote from life, not ideals. I, too, have struggled much with the Cinderella Syndrome. I hope my words will encourage some of you who read my blog, too.

Where Has The Time Gone? Go Hug Your Children!

I'm sitting here, crying, as my 16 year old son reaches another milestone. My son is taking his driver's permit test right now, and I am remembering the day he was born. First babies can be tough to get out, and our son wasn't breathing when he was born. He was limp and blue, and the doctor rushed to bag him, trying to jump start his little lungs. I was so surprised to have a son first, and when I heard him cry for the first time it was the most amazing sound I had ever heard.

I remember when I lost our 2nd child to miscarriage. It was so hard to grieve while at the same time watching my then 15 month old boy learn about life. He was so funny. I would be grieving our loss at one moment, then laughing hysterically at our toddler at the next.

I miss the days of finding little boy treasures in his pant pockets. Instead of plastic spiders, Legos, rocks and gum, I now find money and schedules. It's strange to now have to literally look up into my son's eyes, as he is now taller than I am. But when I look deeply, I still see those eyes I have loved since he was a baby.

I cried when he was born. I cried when he outgrew "newborn" sleepers. I cried when he went to preschool, and now I am crying over a driver's permit test. I think the crying is a combination of sorrow and joy. Sorrow at stages gone by, joy in what a blessing this boy has been, and will continue to be. I wonder what the Lord has in store for him?

Go hug your little boys, because soon they will be men!

Parenting With The Education Fear Factor

According to Barna Research, the number one outcome we want for our kids is a good education (39%), followed by helping the child to feel loved (24%), and then, in third place, was enabling them to have a meaningful relationship with Jesus Christ (22%). I find this to be almost incomprehensible.

What I see in the homeschool world, if I can call it that, is the same intellectual elitism I see in Ivy League schools. We tend to pressure our kids to be nearly perfect. We don't consider a 50th percentile score on a national standardized test to be normal, but failure. If our child isn't at least 2 grade levels ahead in most subjects, we wonder if they will make it in life. If our teenager wants to work, say, in what some would consider to be a blue collar job, we secretly wonder how we have failed as parents. All of this line of thinking causes me to really grieve about how we, as Christian parents, have fallen into the education trap.

What ever happened to the idea of trusting God to lead the kids where He wants them to be? Doing what He, not society or even we, think they should do? Why can we trust Him with salvation but not with our kids' career choices?

But, we argue, we just want them to have a better life than we had. But is "a better life" connected with one's career? College degree? Or is a better life the life abundant promised by Jesus of intangible spiritual nature, regardless of degrees or careers?

I'm not talking here about letting adult kids live at home, be jobless, hopeless. I am talking about what drives us as parents with regard to our kids. While we cannot make them walk in faith in Jesus, why do we not see that goal as primary? Why do we let fear rule how we focus our efforts as parents?

I see this as an epidemic in homeschooling circles, as well as public/Christian circles. I've struggled with it in my own heart for years (this is our 11th yr. of homeschooling...whew!)

The Barna Research info. may be found here:
Take a look for yourself and see some of our inconsistencies as parents. It's a very convicting link! May it cause us all to rethink our goals as parents.

The Pride of Experience

Today I've been thinking about the pride of experience. Those of you who
have lived life a little, and have a bit of age to you know what I mean.
I've been married for over twenty years. I'm the mother of five
children. I had five babies in 9 years. When the mother of one small
baby comes to me complaining about lack of sleep or weight gain or
whatever it is, it can be really hard for me to not scoff at her in my
mind, thinking "Yeah - what a rough life. Try doing my laundry for a
week then let's talk."

Often times we can look at the lives of others and mock them in heart,
saying "Just wait until you go through THIS thing! Then you'll have
something to whine about!" Sometimes we grin at those who haven't
experienced what we have, with that certain look on our faces that
projects nothing less than controlled condescention.

Other times we look at the lives of others, thinking that because they
look good or seem happy, that they've never suffered. We envy their
apparent lack of excruciating experiences. What I've found over the
years is that every person has his or her own suffering, and not everyone
broadcasts their sufferings to others.

I remember distinctly the time when my fourth baby was two weeks old and had a little head cold. I felt like the worst mother on the planet. The baby was born in December, and had siblings ranging in age from 2 to 6.
Anyone with small children knows that December through March is pretty
much head cold season...and that siblings of new babies LOVE to stick
their fingers in new baby's mouth, occasionally sneezing on them and
showing them other signs of love.

I called my dear friend, crying, because my two week old baby had the
sniffles and was having a hard time breathing when she nursed. After
taking her to the doctor, we discovered that she also had an ear
infection. I was so sad for her. I hated to see her suffer like that.
My dear friend calmly reassured me that not only was I a good momma, but
that my baby probably wouldn't remember this time of her life. My
friend's calm words of assurance were such a blessing to me.

When I got off the phone and calmed down, I realized what an amazing
thing my friend had just said to me, and how insensitive I was to
complain to her about my baby's cold. You see, my friend is the mother
of seven children, one of whom has Lisencephaly, which is a congenital
brain problem resulting in profound mental and physical disabilities. Her
son would never walk, talk, or be potty trained. He has a feeding tube
in his tummy permanently. He has faced death many times in his life,
faced many surgeries, and has suffered much. How in the world could I
complain to her about my baby's cold?

Yet her response was filled with grace and love for me and my baby. She
didn't mock me, or lecture me on how small my suffering was compared to
hers. She saw that although my suffering was different than hers, it was
still suffering, and I had presented her an opportunity to minister life
to me through her kind words. She gave me a life-lesson I will never
forget.

I turned to her because I knew she loved me. Over the years her
faithfulness and godly counsel have been used greatly by God in shaping
me to be whom I am today. Her humility and gentleness continue to point
me to Jesus.

God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble. I can't help but
think that when we boast in our experiences we're walking in pride and
taking the focus of others off God and onto ourselves... usually on how
well we endured our suffering. Pride doesn't share the throne of one's
heart with God.

I'm asking the Holy Spirit to remind me of all He is to me, and all He
has taken me through the next time I'm tempted in heart to despise
someone else's lack of experience in any given area. Even in
homeschooling, education, tragedies, motherhood, marriage, or ministry
it's easy for pride to rear its ugly head in anyone's heart. Ultimately
the fact that I even have the ability to type this post, to breathe my
next breath, and to live my life points to the truth that all I have, all
I am, all I've experienced, and all I am called to be were not created by
me but have been given to me by my heavenly Father. If I keep that in
mind, I bet I will be less likely to raise myself up in hidden pride of
experience, which is sin.

I noticed an interesting passage in Psalm 66 today:

"Oh, bless our God, you peoples!
And make the voice of His praise to be heard,
Who keeps our soul among the living,
And does not allow our feet to be moved.
For You, O God, have proved us;
You have refined us as silver is refined.
You brought us into the net;
You laid affliction on our backs.
You have caused men to ride over our heads;
We went through the fire and through water;
But You brought us out to rich fulfillment."

Ps. 66:8-12

Even our experiences are from His hand. May our boasting only be in Him!

Mommyhood Battlefield

I was browsing around on a homeschooling moms' chat board recently, and the subject of kids having candy in church came up. Normally I would ignore this type of post entirely - who could make a big deal out of this? Out of curiosity, I opened the post and read all the replies. By the time I finished reading it, I was so saddened by what I see as a HUGE foothold in the hearts and minds of Christian moms. What is that foothold? Contempt!

What? Certainly those of us who walk around claiming to be in Christ couldn't possibly be accused of being critical of other Christian moms, could we? Oh YEAH we could... it happens ALL the time, and it's wrong.

I found out that I was probably looked down upon for all those years when I was toting babies to church, along with their toys, books, crayons and (gasp!) Cheerios. God forbid that I hand my child a sucker, because apparently by doing so I am setting my child up for obesity, diabetes, cavities and more. It seems that sugar has replaced nicotine and alcohol in our evaluation of other mothers, and even of each other.

One woman commented that out of the 330 people at her church, most of the adults were overweight. Then she was quite angry that because of these people's health trouble, they asked for prayer. How could they??? She assumed many things - and among those were the assumption that prayer was needed due to weight issues. She viewed those who brought anything other than God-related board books to church for their children were fostering all kinds of behavioral problems. She then revealed that the oldest of her well behaved children was the ripe old age of 8.

Many more Christian moms jumped on the band wagon, commenting on how disgusted they were that any Sunday School Teachers or VBS helpers would ever dare to give candy prizes. How bad to have the kids working for a reward! But somehow those little Awana ribbons for which their kids worked were inherently good, even though the motivation of the kids was the same for both prizes... to win the prize.

It saddens me greatly to think of how we, as Christian women, harshly judge our sisters in Christ by what they might feed their kids, or bring to church. As a pastor's wife I can tell you that I'd much rather see Cheerios on the carpet, with a happy toddler, than have a screaming toddler stuck with strangers in the nursery.

I remember a few years back with the whole Growing Kids God's Way was the latest parenting trend. I watched young first-time moms being told not to rock their babies to sleep ("The baby will be manipulating you!), wear baby slings ("Their spines will be injured!) or nurse them on cue ("If you feed them more than every 3.5 hours they are manipulating you!"). On the other side of the mommy wars were the attachment parenting folks who advocated co-sleeping with your baby ("Baby will be more secure with mom!"), nursing on cue for years ("Don't think of nursing in terms of months, but years."), "wearing" the baby in a baby sling ("Your baby will attach to you more easily.")

It was sad to see how the young moms critically judged the older, more experienced moms, thereby effectively neutralizing any hope of a Titus 2 type relationship. I see that very same thing happening now, except that the standard isn't parenting style, but diet.

I seem to recall a similar situation of judging others based on their diet in the book of Romans, chapter 12.

Receive one who is weak in the faith, but not to disputes over doubtful things. For one believes he may eat all things, but he who is weak eats only vegetables. Let not him who eats despise him who does not eat, and let not him who does not eat judge him who eats; for God has received him.
Who are you to judge another's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. Indeed, he will be made to stand, for God is able to make him stand.

One person esteems one day above another; another esteems every day alike. Let each be fully convinced in his own mind. He who observes the day, observes it to the Lord; and he who does not observe the day, to the Lord he does not observe it.

He who eats, eats to the Lord, for he gives thanks; and he who does not eat, to the Lord he does not eat, and gives God thanks.

For none of us lives to himself, and no one dies to himself. For if we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. Therefore, whether we live or die, we are the Lord's. For to this end Christ died and rose and lived again, that He might be Lord of both the dead and the living.

But why do you judge your brother? Or why do you show contempt for your brother? For we shall all stand before the judgment seat of Christ. For it is written: "As I live, says the Lord, every knee shall bow to me, and every tongue shall confess to God."

So then each of us shall give account of himself to God. Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather resolve this, not to put a stumbling block or a cause to fall in our brother's way.

I know and am convinced by the Lord Jesus that there is nothing unclean of itself; but to him who considers anything to be unclean, to him it is unclean. Yet if your brother is grieved because of your food, you are no longer walking in love. Do not destroy with your food the one for whom Christ died.


The key verse is found in Romans 12:19
Therefore let us pursue the things which make for peace and the things by which one may edify another.

Edify - to help build up another's faith. It seems to me that this can't be done if we're looking with contempt upon our sisters and brothers in Christ for what they allow... sugar, or anything else for that matter. The base issue is pride. What does pride do? My study bible indicated:

*Pride hardens the spirit. (Daniel 5:20)
*Pride produces spiritual decay. (Hos. 7:9,10)
*Pride causes you to deceive yourself. (Jer. 49:16)
"Do you see a man wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him." Proverbs 26:12
"Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall." Proverbs 16:18

May God help us to look at each other in ways that honor him, and that show love for others, even in our thought lives!

It's Good to be Six!

My "baby" celebrated his sixth birthday yesterday, complete with copious amounts of presents from his brothers and sisters, as well as pizza for dinner and mom's homemade double chocolate cake. What could be better?

I remember when I first sensed the Lord telling me about this boy. It was September of 1997. I know this sounds crazy, but I felt like God told me I would have another baby, and I would be pregnant within a year, that it would be a son, and that I should name him Samuel. He also told me that Sammy would take his father's "mantle of ministry" when he got older.

I told my dear husband this, who told me "No way! We are done having kids!"
I then went to God in my quiet time and told Him that if this truly was of Him, that He'd have to make it so. I wouldn't beg my husband, or somehow trick him.

One year later, as I took the pregnancy test, and got the plus sign, I struggled with how I would tell my hubby about our new addition. With tears in my eyes, I said to my hubby, "Guess what?" He replied, "You're pregnant. God told me two weeks ago that you were pregnant, and that I shouldn't worry because He'd take care of everything."

Wow!

So here we are six years later, with a joyful bundle of boy. We do see in him a tender heart, but not a weak one. He is very loving, yet all boy. God really does speak to us today, and boy oh boy, does He ever give good gifts!

My son is what?

Some girl at youth group told my son he was "hot".  I am so not ready for this!  But who can blame her?  My son is polite, humorous, has perfect post-braces teeth, and hobbit-like hair.  What's not to like?

 

I feel sorry for Christian teen guys.  Really, I do.  There is so much showing out there in terms of "flesh" just in everyday fashions that it could be nearly impossible for a guy to remain pure in his thought life.  I'm not talking about at the mall, either.  You should see what so many precious girls are wearing to youth group in an attempt to look cool.  (Can you say "thong alert"?)Appearance isn't the only issue, the forwardness of many young girls, even "church-going" girls, can be overwhelming. Thankfully my dh is helping my son to learn how to protect his eyes, his mind, his heart.  My boy isn't better than any of the other kids, don't get me wrong, but he's a lot wiser than his Daddy and I were at age 15.

 

My son is currently reading "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris.  It was good for him to read the thoughts of another guy who held his same beliefs regarding the whole dating scene.

 

A couple years ago a young lady asked my son if he would be her boyfriend.  He was so gentle with her, telling her that she seemed like a really nice person, but that he wasn't ready for dating.  He told her he sees dating as something he would do to search for a wife, and since he was far too young to consider marriage, then dating would be out of the question.  I was so proud of him.

 

My son watches his friends in youth group going from dating relationship to dating relationship, and he sees how it affects them.  He sees the tears of the girls after the big "break ups".  He's talked to a bunch of guys after they've been dumped by their girlfriends.  Little did these other teens know that by sharing their hurts with my son, they've effectively taught him more about being careful about heart attachments too young than I could have taught him in many mom 'n son lectures.

 

So, my son is hot.  Whatever.  It'll be interesting to see what happens with Daddy when guys start hitting on our daughters!

 

 

 

Motherhood - #1 Risk Factor for Poverty

I just finished reading Ellen Goodman's opinion column entitled, "Did Our Foremothers Dream This?".  OK, I know I shouldn't have read the column in the first place, but my curiosity got the better of me. 

 

Ms. Goodman bemoans the fact that (according to her) the day that began with feminism and pacifism - Mother's Day, ends up with perfume and flowers.  In her own words, "What would they ("the founding mothers") make of a day to change the world that became a day to get breakfast in bed?"  She goes on to express that, in her opinion, the motherhood movement has slowed due to many factors, and that really the way to speed things up would be for the motherhood movement to hook up with political leadership.  This implies that politics and motherhood have a somewhat symbiotic relationship.  But, alas, today's modern mom lacks the faith that change can come to the outside world (taken from Judith Warner's book, Perfect Madness), and that to point fingers at society is now defined as shirking personal responsibility.  Huh... I haven't seen that - at least around here people are still blaming society for pretty much everything.  Society consists of lots of individuals, right?

 

To me, the greatest risk factor for poverty isn't motherhood, as Ms. Goodman states in her column, but rather it's our morally relativistic society itself.  The society that gets angry when some folks in government attempt to block the slow death by starvation of Terri Schaivo.  The society that embraces the "right" of college students to wear T-shirts stating they love their private parts.  The society that says anything goes sexually - just be sure it's safe sex.  And if a woman happens to get pregnant, society should protect the right of the mother to eliminate "the product of conception".  If you do happen to choose to give birth, don't worry... society will take care of your product of conception from cradle to grave, unless, of course, said product happens to need a feeding tube.  Clone your cat?  Sure!  Clone yourself?  Why not!  Is it any wonder that today's mothers are as confused and stressed as ever?  We think that having it all means having lots of things / rights and few consequences.  Is that all there is to having it all?

 

Undoubtedly there are issues inherent within our society which cause a great deal of stress and hardship, especially for single moms.  But is the politicization (is that a word?) of motherhood the answer?  Better day care, paid maternity leave, more welfare programs sound like great things, but it seems to me that if we don't look at the root cause of the issue, we're simply polishing the silver as the Titanic ship of society's foundation is sinking.  That term, "Government Nanny", seems to be sticking in my mind.

 

I don't see the Church as being faultless in this.  Where are the Titus 2 women?  Older women teaching the younger women was something penned in the scriptures, not as an optional thing but a mandate.  Probably the last thing we need is another seminar or weekly meeting.  Who would care for the children?  ;-)  My heart's desire is that we who wear the title "Christian" become more in tune with the Holy Spirit's promptings to pour into the lives of other moms, other women.  We need each other.  We need to encourage women to dare to read what the Bible has to say about life, its value, what God sees as important, and how Jesus thinks "having it all" is defined  (see Luke 12 - it's great!).  We need to live the gospel, caring for the sick, the poor, the overwhelmed.  Yeah, it'll cost us something - sometimes it costs time, money, prayer, service.  No one ever said living the gospel would be easy.

 

No doubt motherhood surprised many of us.  Hey, I didn't even LIKE kids until I had my own.  It is exhausting, exhilirating, emotionally draining.  I am thankful to God for those older women He placed across my path who shared kind words, warm meals, heartfelt hugs, and shoulders for me to cry on.  They taught me the priceless worth of mothering.

 

Motherhood Politics? Whatever.  As the feminists and politicians wrestle over how to handle motherhood, I'll stick to the timeless principles of loving my neighbor and being sensitive to the promptings of the Holy Spirit.  When will we learn that God's ways are not our ways, but that His ways are published for all to read?